When Gab keep asking me what's going wrong in my life that made me such an angry person? Seriously, I do not have an answer. I don't even realize that am an angry person. With pretty much disappointment and also, unconditional love, he keep assuring me that I can change and I need create that change in me. And the best way is not to withdraw from alcohol, but to make time for soul-searching.
What's soul-searching? I mean, why soul-searching? As stubborn as always, I've always thought that I know myself pretty well, I know what am doing, I know what I want in life, I know the value of life and that's pretty much enough. Unfortunately, I have started to feel lost in the middle of my journey. Not that I have never come across this stage before, I did but it has never been this fearful before. No matter how lost I was before, I know what I should do next, I will just keep telling myself to keep fighting, keep moving on because there's something ahead for me to look forward for.
But not this time. This time, every single steps that am making seems so weak and directionless and every steps is made with fear. A strong fear that I will be heading to the dark room of depression. At this point, am no way near sad what more to say depressed. Am angry at times but I never thought that I would see myself raging like a pathetic bitch and not remembering any shit the next day. Such an awful feeling that I still could not get over. I can't even make clear of my own situation if am alright. The only thing that I really could tell without any second of hesitation is am really exhausted, both physically and emotionally exhausted. Drop dead exhausted I started to ponder, "What's all these for? Where's my life? Or do I even have one that belongs to myself?"
Few dearest people have been asking me to slow down, and asked me to reset my priorities in life. All I have done was smiling at them and put aside whatever they have said. But not now. This is the moment, I have reached a point where I know I need to let go and have a good rest. More than 3 years at work and this is my first time that I have a sudden urge to go for a long break. Of course, I know it isn't that easy and come to think of it, my company does not have to bear with my personal issues. To be exact, nobody on earth has to bear with me.
Am 25 this year and I've been telling countless people to be positive, to be confident, to be strong enough in dealing with life because all we have to do is just to live life to the fullest. But fcuk it lah, am suffering over that shameful feeling when I allow negativity to kill me slowly and I start to lose the will to live. Yes, so pathetic it sounds but as much pathetic I sound, trust me, I still love and cherish life very much, too. Very much dilemma it sounds coz I dont know wtf am saying too.Lame shit lar Chen.
I lost my directions but I have not lost love and faith yet. I would never lose them because I have God, and I really see myself as a lucky one that I still have Him and my faith that I will always have him forever is so strong that no one else could kill my faith. Thank you, God and I seek for Your forgiveness for all the ridiculous sins that I have done. My best way to show my apology is to learn from my mistakes and not repeating it anymore.
Here goes my very sincere confession to my beloved family:-
Dearest ones,
I feel so sorry to every one of you. I have never realized that I have been loving you guys in such a wrong way. I have always thought that by keeping all my anger and disappointment to myself is the best way to avoid you guys from worrying about me and I could create more peace at home. But I did not realize ever since when all these scary negative feelings have indirectly caused me to be such an emotional and imbalance daughter, a very ignorant sister. I shall be more patient in facing all the challenges in our family. I shall be more optimistic that everything will only be better. I shall not allow these negative emotions to stop me from being a happier person. I shall not allow these nightmares in our family to let me have the thought that I do not need a new family for my own next time.
I shall not tell you all how much I hate future commitments. I shall not sound like an immature daughter telling you all that I am going to leave home anytime when I can no longer take shits. I am so sorry.. Family shouldn't say things like these. Family bond is unbreakable, and how could I be so emotional and imbalance to say stuffs like that? Am so sorry for all the grudges that I have held to myself all these while due to my failure in handling my disappointments towards all the disgusting mistakes and nightmares that happened in our family.
I shall be trusting God more, that He would not allow us to go through all these for nothing. There must be a reason but whatever reason it is, I shall not allow satans to have control of the situation. I shall face every circumstances with love and faith, and not holding in everything, battling with myself which by the end of the day, I end up hating myself, hating the world and all I have in myself is only hatred and I no longer see love.
I am sorry, my dear family. Tho none of you will be reading this, do allow me to confess here. I will learn from my mistakes and be a better daughter, a better sister. My biggest mistake is to always think that my family is fcuked up but in fact, I myself is the biggest fcuked up shit, not my family, not anyone of them.
No matter who in the family made mistake, I don't care but forgive. I thank each of you so much that I could be part of the family this life, and if there is really next life, I really hope I would be part of you all again. All I want, is only each of you to be healthy and blessed. I just want to see each of you to live healthily and well. Nothing more that I could ask for.
Love you all,
Tiing
